I have been fighting the battle of finding sources of motivation my whole life. The reason I quit school was because it was not motivating.
I have huge problems doing anything I don’t want to be doing, and this went well beyond the standard “rebellious teen” stereotype I was frequently pinned with.
My moods and my general state of mind play the most crucial role in whether or not I can actually do something. Going to the store for a simple carton of milk seems like an insurmountable hurdle to breakfast when I’m not feeling okay. And that doesn’t mean I’m feeling depressed, or manic, it just means I can’t motivate myself to actually go do it; as far as I can tell, there was never a correlation to depression or mania in that regard.
I have gotten better and better the more I work at it, but it is a slow process that has taken a huge toll on my energy reserves every day. I find that learning new things and engaging in the activities that I find interesting keep me emotionally stable and prevent me from getting too harsh with myself when I think about what I’ve done (or not done) during my days.
The number one thing I keep telling myself, over and over and over again, is to “just do shit.” Going out of the house is very hard at first, but then once I do I feel much better. I am more apt to write, to code, to experiment with computers, to do my work, and just to do stuff once I have gotten over the initial hurdle of starting to do something.
But the reverse is true as well. If I start my day by being lazy, by not getting that carton of milk and instead settling for whatever’s in the fridge, then it would be a miracle if I could get myself out of the habit that day.
Also, I find that having a good, long stretch of time in which to do things is important. Typically, one must work, eat, and deal with billions of other distractions throughout the day like phone calls. If I am to do anything solid throughout my days, I must be given ample time to do it. Otherwise, I feel rushed and unmotivated.
I’m at http://xxan.blogspot.com
Meitar, you ask yourself whether it is a bipolar thing if you find your motivation to do
things/to go out or not. You concluded that the one has nothing to do with the other. I have
exactly the same problem as you mention. Getting this carton of milk in the morning or at any
time of day is too much for me. And I often wondered whether it is linked to my BPD. I always
tell myself that it IS, because that gives me a reason towards myself and my husband. I realize
, however, that this is maybe a too easy way of thinking. Maybe, you are right, maybe there is
no connection. But what I DO know is, that before my diagnosis everything went well and
smoothly in my life: job, social life, you name it… Now things are different, I lost my job (too
much swings)and I am “at home”. So “being at home” gives me less motivations. And the circle is
round, I, indeed have to fight, to search for my motivations every day. And this is hard. It has
to come totally from yourself, noone (e.g. at work) who motivates you to do this or that, to
go here or there… It is lonely battle.
And me, if I am honest, I often lose the battle. I stay at home, when I should go to the store,
when I should go out doing sports,… Only in my better periods I “come out”, I meet with
friends, I find my motivations.
Whereas, the irony of it all, is that, when I need it the most, in my depressions, I cannot
find the strength. I really can’t. Or someone has to DRAG me outside.
I have to admit, though, that when I am depressed, going to the store, is a real torture.
Seeing all these healthy people, who obviously (I can see it in their eyes, on their faces)
take life very lightly and have none of the problems we struggle with, makes me even more down.
Therefore, it is not so easy.
Anyhow, I am glad to hear from you that you feel better if you DO do the effort and force
yourself to go outside or run errands, or do anything out of doors. Gives me new courage to
still try and do it myself. Especially in the better periods.
Amazingly, I got here just when the first comment was added… I feel that - regardless of your self harshness - reporting and observing what you have, is truly amazing. It is one thing to go through this and another to observe and report it genuinely. That is a big plus, to say the least. As for motivation in general - In my mind it is obstacle number one for 99% of the population, bipolar or not. More than anything else, it is, I believe, a derivative of one’s sense of worth, confidence and self-expressiveness. If you have AUDIENCE to whatever you say, do or think - there’s motivation there to be mined… Being alone is toxic to motivation.
While we probably experience this in vastly different ways I can understand this feeling very well. I find that when I fall into a pattern of staying in, of not doing anything that feels productive I get extremely depressed. While I love and adore unschooling/homeschooling as an educational method it didn’t really instill tons of self discipline in me, and I’ve found that school has been wonderful for the one fact that I feel like I am accomplishing something. I can look back and see progress, or what feels like it to me. Of course, no one I talk to at school has that same feeling from it, so I think that my chaotic education is what gave me this insane need to structure and satisfaction from accomplishment. But…it can definitely be debated whether a lot of what i do in school is actually giving me an education, but it is giving me a degree in time. Meh.