My ability to engage in passive conversation has left me. I can’t trust my mind right now, it has become poison. There is no contentment behind my words. My eyes have become hypercritical and ultra particular. I must refrain from participating. I lose control too easily. It’s the momentum of thoughts and how they begin to snowball. I get carried away by the compulsion of my ideas. The confrontation pulsating through my body. One taste and I spiral into disregard for everything. Committed to a path that I will soon regret. Forever tainting my appearance to the world that knows so little about what is happening inside my head. I must stop. My future depends on it.
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Hi there I found this blog using search engine while searching for Feelings Depression Short Episodes and your post regarding Poisonous Mind looks very interesting for me
I’ll definitely check out that book. Thanks!
Read Awareness by Anthony De Mello. Although I am an atheist and the author is a Catholic priest, this book changed my entire perspective on life.
I’ve read through your random scribbles, this early morning, as I stumbled upon your site.
We are not our words. Words are a poor vehicle for describing our suffering. No matter how eloquent, well chosen, particular, or seemingly accurate, words themselves distort experience. Once we have spoken, the new words take on the illusion of reality.
The very act of uttering changes everything. The more we speak, the more distant we become. But out of our pain, we must speak.
We must not be so hard on ourselves and others. We must not believe that it is only we who suffer. We must use our gifts of insight to assist others. No matter how broken we may feel, we must open ourselves to allow that others suffer as we do. We are not unique in our pain.
Silence is truly terrifying. To listen is a gift. To listen may be all that we can do.
Email me and I can send you Meditation by Barry Long (a friend and I typed it all out by hands) and a couple of mp3s of his talks on stopping thought and meditation.
He is concise and straight forward and cuts to the chase. Meditation does not have to be draped in mysticism there is a growing movement of people who use it to supplement psychological treatment.
Really its the ability to sit quietly by yourself in a room for more than 5 minutes and not fall asleep, isn’t it? There was a philosopher who said all man’s problems step from this inability. Forget his name… was quite deep.
I’ve been considering formal meditation for a while now. I’ve read many authors that touch on the practice of meditation from a philosophical point of view (Shunryu Suzuki, Alan Watts, Ken Wilber, Carlos Castaneda, William Blake, Aldous Huxley, Jiddu Krishnamurti, and a few others), but I haven’t formally built the practice into my routine. Maybe now is the time to start.
Thank you for taking the time write and share your experience with me.
I’ve been through what you’re experiencing and I was very, very sick. Both the highs and the lows were phenomenally terrifying. Meditation, as Chad recommends, saved my life.
Really, the thoughts are imperfect because they are like words and the meanings of words. Metaphor only, a word cannot be the thing it represents, same with the thought. Listen to silence, feel your breath and feel in every situation you can the part of it that cannot be communicated, that no words can represent. Every time the mind races off, just bring it gently back to the breath and back to the silence.
I think you may be right in distrusting the thoughts and the words… but don’t distrust the experience just because someone tells you you’re ill. I learned a lot when I was ill, about myself and a good deal of things. But most of all I learned to listen and to wait… two things that are extremely rare in our society, but they make a person most wise.
Socialize, be near other people — it will lift the mood. Don’t succumb to the temptation of isolating yourself when you feel like this, okay? Take care to eat fruit, get sunshine and surround yourself with people you can listen to. Distrust the words and the thoughts, do not judge the feelings that arise, and trust your experience. It is YOUR experience, no one elses… so though it may be interfering with your life goals it’s still what’s happening right now… try to go into it and discover.
I’ve been officially ‘bipolar’ since my first manic episode in 2002. Depression hit me first though, but mania is much easier to get into the hospital with. If you want to talk, about anything, contact me. My girlfriend found your site on stumbleUpon and told me.
Don’t worry yourself too much — the ‘trap’ is just a feeling. There’s a way out of the maze and anyone can learn it, even when they are sick. All my best wishes,
James
The world is but a mirror, and will reflect back to you what is within.
May I STRONGLY, STRONGLY suggest meditation, it can be any form that you want (IE: You don’t have to sit with your legs crossed and hum) The insights you will gain from being still with yourself will help you immensely.
Sounds like you’re overloading there. Remember it’s biological and not your fault, even if those around you try to make it so. If others choose to judge you then that’s their problem.
When I get this way I make sure to get a full nights sleep, even if I have to take a sleeping pill and force myself, at this point no amount of “talk therapy” is useful.
Thinking of you, rest assured I know how you feel.