My Strugle
  • 04
  • Nov, 08

Healing, Soothing Sounds of Music

Growing up, my dad played the Beatles over and over and over again. He played other artists as well but the Beatles where sure to be heard in the house, on the eight track in the car. Each time I hear a Beatles tune it brings me back to a time of innocence. There have been many times that I’ve wanted to be that six year old kid, sitting in the backseat of her parents car with her little brother, without a care in the world. Music is my therapy. Whenever I feel low, I listen, whenever I feel high, I listen. It’s been my constant companion and it never ever let’s me down…I will post some of my favorites on this blog. My dad was diagnosed with bipolar when he was 24 years old. He’s told me that music is the only thing that has ever gotten him through some pretty dark times. I’ve had bipolar for the past 11 years. My goal with this blog is twofold, I am doing this as a sort of self therapy and hopefully along the way I’ll be able to help others out there who have to deal with the complexities of this mental illness.

Cheers for now!

Roxy

  • 02
  • Nov, 08

My Battle with BiPolar Disorder Part 1

About 6 years ago I had a doctor (who I had only spoken with for less than 5 minutes) declare me as having bipolar disorder (a mood and depression illness). I did not want to beleive that, so I maybe took the meds I was perscribed for about a month. Here in the last year, I have noticed my life was crumbling into little peices of broken MESS. I didn’t have a 9-5 job like I am used to, and neither did my boyfriend. We were constantly broke, and wondering where our next meals were coming from. I was very tired and couldn’t even muster up enough energy to keep up with daily house cleaning tasks. After about a year of this, I realized that it was my bipolar that was making me feel this way. So, I called my parents for some help. I flew down there last week to see a doctor that would take me without insurance. Thank GOD that I qualified for a $20.00 visit, and $4.00 perscriptions. I was able to get on a couple anti-depressents, but as for the actual bipolar meds, I cannot afford them at the moment, as they are over $200.00 to fill for a month. I am already seeing a light at the end of my tunnel…as for my boyfriend, he has really bad Gout (arthiritis) that is eating his body up. With that going on he cannot work. Several people have told him to get help so he can support us. He continues to not get help, and take his meds. I do not know how much longer I can stand living this way. Should I feel bad for not wanting to be with him anymore after 4 1/2 years? I kind of feel like I have to because he is sick, when the truth comes to picture, I am not happy with him anymore because I just feel that we have grown apart. But I feel that if I leave him right now, that I will be considered a bad person for doing so. Anyways, more on that in a later post…..I finally got up enough courage to apply for Food Stamps (which helps the needy get food). I was instantly granted emergency stamps that allowed me to get food on the table. BUT I have another issue….My rent is 2 months behind, and the lights got cut off a few days ago. I just wish that I would have realized that I needed meds about a year ago. Maybe things would be better. I have never felt so LOW in my entire life. I do not drink often, or do drugs, but they way I was living you wouldnt know that. I am going to log my journey through this so maybe if you are going through the same thing, that we can compare notes lol. Stay tuned and keep checking back for weekly updates.

  • 31
  • Oct, 08

Bipolar Support & Bipolar Disorder Information: Roxy’s Blog

Welcome to Roxy Roller’s place on the web… I’ve travelled much on the web looking for Bipolar Support and Bipolar Disorder related information and while there is a lot of great info out there it always left me feeling low, so I thought I’d put a spin on things and try to give you something a little more uplifting and motivational. This blog and will focus on Support, Motivation, Wellness and Self Healing. This site is just kicking off so bookmark me and visit soon!! Yours Truly… Roxy Roller
  • 29
  • Oct, 08

Just a little off the top, please

Hello everyone!

I’d like to take a moment to ask you, “Just how much BS are you currently working with in your day?” It’s my opinion that most bipolar folks have any number of piles stacking up at any one time thanks to their out of control symptoms list. I’m talking about stress. There’s plenty to go around. No need to be piggish and accept more than your fair share. (Bulls, pigs - not sure where this barnyard animal motif sprang from.)

Just a little off the top!

But seriously, aren’t you about full up to your ears with the problems spewing out of your ears? If your head is anything like mine was, then you could probably do for a mental haircut. To give your head the break it needs to possibly heal, you need to cut down on all the negative sensory material it now manages. Clip some loose ends. Neaten up your shaggy mane of a bipolar hairdo.

This step of my system TORQUE BACK can be one of the hardest to pull off. It involves the ability to take a tough, honest look at your life in an objective (logical) fashion, not a subjective (emotional) one. You need to admit to yourself that maybe some things, or people, in your life are doing you more harm than good.

The very act of implementing this step can lead to hurt feelings, if it’s people that have to go, and a misguided sense of loss, if it’s things that have to go.

Depending on who knows what, this trimming of the fat can be painful, regardless of what’s getting cut. Or you may be surprised and feel a sense of release or catharsis, as you give yourself permission to let go of something you’ve known all along had to go.

The tricky part can be if your symptoms have really robbed you of enough rational thought to do this correctly. So for the beginning, let’s just aim this at those of us who CLEARLY have a situation that needs changing. Don’t carve everything out of your life in a fit of soul-cleansing. You may toss out more than you should.

For me, when I was my sickest, I had to split from my wife and kids. My illness made me barely able, hell, unable to care for myself and to keep the really ugly side of me from lashing out at all times. I had a beast in me that I hardly could control and it fed ravenously on my symptoms. I was not someone you kept near much of anyone, let alone kids and a wife I couldn’t relate to anymore.

The stress of the looming breakup was crushing both of us right to death but it was driving me insane, and that’s not hyperbole. I could barely contain the rage within me, or the anguish, or the bizarre thoughts, and my family did not need that in their day. The stress of trying to maintain the family was akin to a rabbit trying to balance a dump truck on his head. I was outclassed for the job. So we split, and they left.

I felt relief. Tons! But it only lasted a few days as the understanding of how I had failed my family stomped my heart into the ground. I had failed, true, but that failure HAD to take place for the regrowth to happen. Many times, our losses are really wins. But you can’t see that until the dust settles and your emotions stabilize. That takes time.

So there’s how something like that can play out and the many levels of garbage that lace through it from all sides. They had to go but it involved me losing everything that mattered. But the illness would never be controlled with them present and had they stayed, I’d have done something terrible in some fashion. I hadn’t planned anything, I’m just saying I knew myself. To dump the stress, I would have done something horrendously stupid.

Now that years have passed, I have healed, my wife and I are great friends, and I am a fantastic father to my son. I could never have obtained any of that had they stayed. I needed a chance to regroup.

Another example: I had a very close friend with whom I used to party. He was very dear to me. Still is, actually. But he had to go. As I was trying to get my act together, he was calling me from afar to share with me his ongoing, bizarre tales of party wonderment and scenes from a slow motion train wreck that he called his life. This stuff used to be highly entertaining to me and I usually would match his tales with tales of my own misadventures, equal to his in far-out drug consumption and resulting activities. Now, it just stressed me to no end. He was committing slow suicide and calling it “partying” and I knew he was lost.

I loved him then and still love him now but he had to go. I cut him free during our last phone conversation as he shared with me his latest crushed diet pill snorting/waking up naked in an alley story. I was scared for him and I realized very little separated him from me and I was horrified at my own past behavior. That’s the best I can describe it. I couldn’t believe I used to be this guy and listening to him made me realize how much of my life I had thrown away operating under the exact same mindset that he still had. The stress of this realization actually caused me to go into panic as he spoke. He’s still out there, still doing it all, and I wish him the best but the outlook is bleak. I believe the pain of his unavoidable OD, before it ever happens, was hurting me already. I let him go.

Decisions like these are hard. I shared a small pile of people I loved most in the world, whom I had to shut out in order to get well again. But it was worth it. I more or less got my family back and I made peace within myself about the friend I lost, with whom I had had some of the best times of my life.

You may have to make similar calls. Is there someone in your world who means well, or you think they mean well, but whenever they are involved in your day, bring some amount of chaos or disorder? Maybe not and if so, good for you. You are blessed. But many bipolar people bring in or hang on to people they shouldn’t, for any number of reasons. Usually, friends and family who are not sick, can see how these people are hurting you but you can’t. So all I’m saying is cut free what you may know deep down you should, and try to listen less critically to those who are trying to protect you when they tell you someone in your life must go. Just keep an open mind if you can.

Things that need cutting? Well, that applies across many boards. Your bad habits, which I addressed in earlier posts, need to go, obviously. Anything that you may use to cope with life, instead of fix life, needs to go. Or at least start whittling it down. Are you rotting in front of the computer on video sites or games? Does a PlayStation own your soul? The mere act of engaging in distraction, even a healthy distraction, keeps you in stress because you are not getting busy with the fixing of your problems. You’re ignoring them and renaming it as “healthy activity.” This can apply to reading, movies, weight lifting, running, painting, talking to friends on the phone, any of that. It all is causing you indirect stress if the doing of it is keeping you from the more inportant work at hand. The substandard life level it will keep you at, will stress you more down the road, when you finally wake up to the time that has passed and can’t be retrieved, and the opportunities you squandered.

If you’re very sick, as I was, maybe your pets need to be cared for by someone else until you’re back on your feet. That’s an extreme example, as for many of us, our pets are the only things good in our day. But for the truly sick, you’re just being cruel to the animal if you’re keeping it around but not caring for it. Myabe you’re a pet collector and can’t really keep up with all that maintenance. Or maybe the animal has the run of the house and you pay it no mind due to depression. You can’t be bothered to clean up. Now your health is suffering from what’s building up inside your house.

Maybe you’re hanging on to a job that is killing you out of complacency. You’re in pain but not enough to change jobs. I understand many of us have been or are in jobs we can’t leave due to location, vestment, or what have you. But many DO have options, they just won’t act on them. If you have the chance, cut that bad job out, and do something closer to your heart’s wants. Or start a college course at night until you have tools to leave that job. Something. Just admitting the change needs to happen and keeping your eyes open will help bring the change you need. I’m saying, don’t complain endlessly then do nothing.

I’m trying to hit on a handful of areas just so you get the idea. If something or someone in your life has to change so you can heal, you already know what it is or those that love you most are trying constantly to tell you. Consider these things, then make necessary changes. Change hurts and can be scary. But the result is worth the effort.

As you make these changes, do your best to solidly incorporate into your conscious mind why it is a good thing they changed. Learn from your evolvement and you’ll see even more ways to improve.

Now please. I can foresee a hundred ways someone can attack this post and show why different parts of it can’t be achieved or show me a point I missed. Cripes. Anything I write can have that said of it. I’m only trying to get your mental juices flowing. We’re all different. But the foundational stuff holds true. You know if something needs to go. You already know.

Take care everyone,

Ken

  • 27
  • Oct, 08

My First Night Alone

As a general warning, those of you who are sick of the blogosphere’s typical unadulterated flow of personal outcryings will probably want to stop reading my blog for the next…well for a while, anyway. With that out of the way, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Sleep Woes

The last thing I wanted to do tonight was be awake. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep. Since I’m not one to drown out my sorrows with booze or drugs that leaves me with very little alternative except to be awake right now. I managed to sleep for a few hours, from about 9 o’clock or so ’til almost 2 in the morning, but I was really hoping not to rise before the sun today.

Last night, before I went to bed, Danica called the home line. She asked if it was okay if she would sleep here tonight. I told her that I couldn’t kick her out like that, so of course it was all right if she slept here tonight. She offered to sleep on the couch, instead of in the bed with me, which I gratefully accepted.

During the very short conversation, I told her that she has “two months” to find another place to stay. I really meant until the end of next month, but I was tired and my brain seems to have developed this nasty habit of generalizing things when I’m tired. She’s paid her February rent already, for instance, and I can’t very well just kick her out on the street. (Even though she’d end up at Randy’s instead of on the street, but whatever.) I told her that if she finds a place before the end of the month, I’ll refund some of her rent money this month. If she doesn’t, but she finds a place before the end of next month, I’ll refund some of her rent money that month.

I wish I were only being really nice, but the full truth is that I’m trying to provide incentive. As if the fact that the tension in the air isn’t enough incentive already. Or would be, if she were here.

Home Alone. Again.

I went online briefly before bed to delete junk mail and try to thank the kind people in #polyamory on UnderNet (the IRC polyamory chatroom) for helping me out the other day. Much of what they said provided either helpful reminders or wise insights. My router was acting up in a strange way, however, and wouldn’t easily connect to my laptop via Wi-Fi.

Expecting Danica to arrive home and probably want to check her email and the like, I wrote her a short note on a sheet of printing paper and laid it on her laptop. I’ll read it now:

Danica,

Wi-Fi is finicky. If the Internet won’t work that way, use an ethernet cord. You can take the one from my laptop. Thank you for giving me my space tonight.

—Meitar

I sat looking at it for a few moments. I got up to munch on some nuts. I drank a bit of carrot juice. Then I came back and added to it on the opposite side:

Also, there is mixed fried meats from a Spanish restaurant in the ‘fridge. I will likely toss it, so feel free to enjoy it.

I held the pen in my hand. For some reason, I didn’t want to put it down. So, I continued writing:

I would like to ask some logistical questions, too, (e.g. electric bill), so if you leave before I awake, please leave a note letting me know when I can speak with you about these important things.

I considered signing, “Love,” but after a moment, I ended it with, “Thank you, —Meitar.” Then, I went to bed, and mercifully drifted off to sleep very quickly.

Seeking Support

I awoke needing to pee. I got out of bed and peered into our living room. I didn’t see anything and everything seemed to have been placed where I left it. When I turned on the light, I saw that, indeed, everything was untouched and that Danica was not here.

I went to the bathroom, went back to bed, and tried to fall back asleep. However, despite not wanting to be awake and alone tonight, I eventually got out of bed and went online. Thankfully, I got an IM from a friend almost instantly, and I’ve been speaking with people since then. It’s not quite like being in the same room as somebody else, but at least, in effect, I’m not totally alone.

When I spoke with my father earlier today (er, yesterday), he mentioned that it might be wise to consider taking the medications for Bipolar Disorder again. I told my father that I did not plan on taking medications if I could help it. However, I do not know how bad this will be, and I am prepared to accept the help of a tool like medications to help myself get out of a rough spot should I need it.

I don’t want to be numbed. But, then again, maybe I do. Lithium can be like emotional morphine, and right now, I am wounded….

  • 22
  • Oct, 08

Court upholds damages in bipolar disorder discrimination case - Canada.com

Court upholds damages in bipolar disorder discrimination case
Canada.com, Canada - Aug 24, 2008
OTTAWA - An $80000 judgment against an Ottawa company that dismissed a man with bipolar disorder has been upheld by an Ontario court.
  • 19
  • Oct, 08

To Tell or Not to Tell

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Over the last few weeks I’ve had a few discussions surrounding the topic of informing people in my life about my diagnosis and whether it is beneficial or not, so I thought I would write about it because I wrestle with this question daily and I have also shared my situation with a few people so far in my life.

Like anything that is considered taboo, bipolar disorder holds a perception within its name that when released on the average ear it is feared, misunderstood and bent completely out of context. For the average person bipolar disorder has no real personal relationship to their lives and the only referral point that these people have to the disorder is social gossip and what the media and movies have indirectly provided them, which in most cases are extreme stories used for selling purposes and not to educate on the actual reality or spectrum of the disorder. They rarely hear about the million-plus people who have been diagnosed with the disorder that function relatively normally in daily life. They rarely hear about the benefits that bipolar disorder can bring to an individual’s creativity, insight and drive. They rarely hear about the successful scientists, philosophers, businesspeople, artists and politicians who lived with bipolar disorder, but contributed enormously to the world. Keeping this in mind, you must evaluate your situation carefully and consider what is in your best interests before revealing your disorder to a largely misinformed world.

When considering telling people that you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder there is no clear answer on whether you should or not. Everyone’s situation in life is very different and what might be beneficial for one person may be the demise for another. It is unfortunate that sharing this type of information needs to be considered so carefully, but for your own sake it truly does need to be considered carefully. Bipolar disorder does have a stigma attached to it and people will see you differently once you tell them. You need to consider the impact that sharing this information may have and decide whether or not that is what you want. Ask yourself how sharing this information will help you and if you can’t find answers to how it might help then maybe it is a better idea not to say anything for now.

In most cases if you are comfortable with your family or close friends, these are the people who are easiest and safest to open up to. Of course they may be shocked by your diagnosis, but that shock usually turns to unconditional caring and love that is very helpful as a support network to help you manage your disorder. I believe that it is important to have at least a few personal people in your life to talk to about your thoughts and mood because they act as a balancing mechanism when you might be a little off balance. A good example is when you get into a pattern of negative thinking while depressed, sharing your thoughts with these people can be very beneficial because they can help put things in proper perspective and release some of the built-up tension from the downward spiral of depression.

Telling people outside of your family and close friends is where things become a little more difficult and must be approached cautiously. The first group of people that comes to mind outside of family and close friends is your employer and co-workers. This is your bread and butter and damaging your working relationship can not only be devastating for you livelihood, but for your mental health as well. These people probably already know that something is a little off with you because of your past behavior, but they probably attribute this to your personality and consider it quirky parts of who you are. Well, they are right. These are quirky parts of who you are, but for some reason there is a difference in perception of these being quirky parts of who you are and these behaviors stemming from bipolar disorder. Even though you are the same person before and after, revealing your diagnosis changes everything. They will now see everything you do stemming from bipolar disorder. Telling your employer must be calculated very carefully and I would not suggest telling them unless you strongly believe that they will understand and support you.

If you can trust your employer then telling them can have its benefits. This can include a better understanding of your situation during difficult times, sick leave, reduction or balancing of workload to reduce stress and better perspective/understanding of possible inappropriate behavior. Many larger organizations and government offices with human resource departments have included policies and support networks for people suffering from mental health problems, which is a huge step in the right direction.

Anyone outside of the above people need to be evaluated on a case by case basis. It can be useful to tell close co-workers (if they can be trusted) because it can help them have a better understanding and perspective of who you are and what you are sometimes going through. You spend a lot of time with these people and it might be helpful to your situation if they can understand your behavior better. I know I sometimes go through bouts of depression and become disengaged at work. Before I informed my close co-workers they were taking my disengagement personally and thought I was upset with them, but now they understand that this has nothing to do with them and will usually pass after a few weeks. Also, you should expect a few possible reactions from people you might tell. I’ve experienced three distinct reactions so far and they include fearfulness, overcompensation and acceptance. Fearfulness is just that - fearfulness, overcompensation is when they treat you like you cannot do anything for yourself anymore and acceptance, my favorite, is when they empathize with what your going through, but continue to treat you relatively the same as before you told them but with a better understanding.

It is unfortunate that revealing bipolar disorder needs to be considered so carefully, but until it is accepted in the mainstream as just another aspect in the spectrum of being human then it will remain hidden in the shadows of daily life. The reality for reaching this mainstream acceptance is kind of a catch 22 though because in order for bipolar disorder to become mainstream and accepted, people suffering from it need to speak out, but by speaking out you potentially face being persecuted for the natural biological functioning of your brain because it does not function exactly like the brains of the majority. I’ve personally told my employer, co-workers, close friends and family, but other than that I will remain an anonymous voice of bipolar disorder until the world realizes that the disorder can be managed successfully and that there are huge benefits to having bipolar minds in this world.

  • 19
  • Oct, 08

b i p o l a r WAVES - ep.5 -

新しいポッドキャストをアップロードしました。

まだ未体験の方は以下のバナーをクリックしてそこから2、3クリックでiTune等に登録出来て聴く事が出来ます。
毎回新しい放送がアップロードされると自動的にダウンロードしてくれるので便利ですよ。


こちらのUK本部のページから直接聞く事も出来ます。

今回のトラックリストはこんな感じ。

  1. Mark de Clive-Lowe feat Abdul Shyllon - “Relax Unwind…(afrojas Ricanstruction)”( b i p o l a r )
  2. Duke - “Freedom in Africa”(Strut)
  3. The Gaytones - “Soul Makossa”(Strut)
  4. The Jimmy Castor Bunch - “Potential”(Atco)
  5. Kenny Dixon Jr - “Yesterdays”(Soul City)
  6. Kez YM - “Sweetly Confused”(4lux)
  7. George Duke - “I want you for myself(edit)” (white)
  8. DJ Harvey - “Juicy sushi”(Black Cock)
  9. Andres - “Love Heals feat. Traci Vox”(mahogani music)
  10. Johnny Hammond - “Fantasy(Faze Action special disco edit)”(juno)
  11. Souled - “Rockeez”(fresh minute music)
  12. Afefe Iku - “Mirror Dance”(Yoruba)
  13. Lancelot ayne - “Yo tink it sorf?”(Strut)
  14. Cachete y Seiji - “Batacumbele”( b i p o l a r )
  15. Altered Natives - “Bone in your nose(Return of the native)” ( b i p o l a r )
  16. Likwid Biskit - “Inner War(CO-OP mix)” (people)
  17. Yellowtail feat. Monday Michiru - “Everything is alright(bipolar dub)”(Bagpack)
  18. Osunlade - “Cantos a Ochun et Oya”(Yoruba)
  19. Simbad - “Digital Revolution(TR808 Dub)”( b i o p o a r )
  20. Afronaut - “Nuevo Rumbere”(b i p o l a r )
  21. DJ Spen & The MuthaFunkaz feat. Ann Nesby - “It’s So Easy (MuthaFunkaz 12′ Vocal)”(Code Red)
  22. Omar - “Ghana Emotion”(Ether)

今回のb i p o l a r のリリースからも何曲か入ってます。
こうやって違う音楽と組み合わせて聴いてみるとまた色んな発見があるものでなかなか楽しいですよ。
今回もプエルトリコ〜アフリカ〜デトロイト〜NY〜東京〜ロンドンと色んなミクスチャー都市から産まれた
グルーヴを集めてみました。是非ベースを効かせて聴いてみて下さい。

このオンガク達に共通してるのはジャンルやスタイルや流行りでは無く、この『グルーヴ』。
数学や理論では表現出来ない魂から産まれた凄く個人的な感覚。マシンを使っても楽器を使っても
それを操るのは人間なわけで、結局ボク等が求めてる芸術や音楽っていうのはそういう限定された
個人的な共感だと思うんです。マシンに『使われて』創り出された食料や音楽は便利かもしれないけど
ボクはマクドナルドよりも普通のトルコ人レストラン(ボクの住んでるエリアはトルコ人が多いので)
の方が好きっていうのと同じ理由で、そういうオンガクを聴いています。

ボクが頻繁にイコライザーをいじって曲をかけたりする理由もこのオンガクを聴いてボクが感じる
凄く個人的な感覚を表現してるだけです。自分が一番気持ち良いと思える聴き方でオンガクを聴く。

最高じゃないですか。イエイ。

peace
K

AVAILABLE IN JAPAN!
BPL001 - Coopr8 presents Our Music Our Culture vol.1
BPL001 - Afronaut y Amigo presentan Hecho En Casa Part.1

  • 12
  • Oct, 08

New bipolar disorder treatments tested

I don’t usually reprint entire articles here, but this one is really good - very good overview of bipolar disorder and potential treatments on the horizon.

My own wonder drug is lamictal. I’ve also switched to Lexapro recently from Effexor, and was not adjusting too well until I added L-tryosine to complement it since Lexapro doesn’t affect norapenephrine. L-tyrosine is the prescursor protein to norepinephrine.

It’s really tough to have to become your own chemist to treat your problems, but I find I spend a lot of time researching treatments and then talking my shrink into them. Last week he told me I ought to write drug reviews!

Hmm.

New bipolar disorder treatments tested - Yahoo! News

Scientists are testing seasickness patches and other surprising options in a challenging search for new ways to treat the crushing depression and uncontrolled mania of bipolar disorder.

Also called manic-depression, it’s an illness that can rip careers and marriages apart and drive people to suicide. And it’s so complex and mysterious that researchers haven’t developed a medication specifically for it since lithium, more than half a century ago.

Yet bipolar appears in various forms and severity in about 1 in every 25 American adults at some point in their lives, according to a major study published in May.

Current medicines help, but often fall short.

They “certainly reduce symptoms but don’t do a good enough job,” said Dr. Husseini Manji of the National Institute of Mental Health. “Many patients are helped, but they’re not well.”

Nobody knows yet whether the latest crop of possible treatments will pan out. Besides the motion sickness patch, unusual choices include a drug that treats Lou Gehrig’s disease and a device that produces an electric field around the brain. Even the breast cancer drug tamoxifen has been tested.

Some of these approaches were identified by logic, and others by pure chance. Scientists already have early evidence that someday they may prove useful against bipolar.

The disorder’s classic feature is episodes of mania, which are periods of boosted energy and restlessness that can run for a week or more.

“You have so much energy, you have so many great ideas” said Tamara, 26, a Pittsburgh resident who was diagnosed several years ago. She asked that her last name not be used.

“You feel like you’re thinking so clear, you’ve got the answer for everybody. You need to tell them, you need to phone all your friends… It’s so hard to sleep. You keep thinking of all sorts of things.”

But mania can also bring extreme irritability. Tamara’s energetic charisma made her the life of the party, but “if somebody spilled a drink on me, I would just explode,” she recalled. “It’s like all your emotions are just completely intensified.”

She got into fights and experienced road rage. She made bad decisions, plagiarizing a college paper and behaving promiscuously.

“A lot of things sound like a good idea when you’re manic,” she said, “and they’re really not.”

During manic episodes many people even get hallucinations or delusions, and Tamara experienced those too. “I was convinced I could hear other people’s thoughts, or at least know what they were,” she recalled. “I thought everybody was saying bad things about me.”

The other side of the bipolar coin is episodes of depression that last a week or more. For Tamara, depression was life turning gray.

“Nothing is interesting. You’re bored with everything… Nothing sounds fun anymore. All you want to do is sleep. I slept days and days away.”

In her senior year of college, thoughts of suicide frightened her into seeking help.

Doctors currently treat bipolar with a variety of drugs including lithium, anticonvulsant medications that can stabilize mood, and antipsychotics. Psychological therapy and patient education greatly boost the effectiveness of the drugs.

Tamara takes lithium and another drug, and says, “I’m doing fine right now.”

She’s lucky. Bipolar disorder is hard to treat chiefly because the depressive episodes are more severe and more resistant to therapy than ordinary “unipolar” depression, notes Dr. Andrea Fagiolini, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh.

What’s more, many patients can’t tolerate current bipolar medications because of side effects like weight gain, sleepiness, tremor, and the sense of feeling “drugged,” Fagiolini said. (Some patients also stop taking their medicine because they miss the “highs” of the disease, he noted).

A study of treated patients published last year found that about 60 percent got well for at least eight weeks, but only half of that group remained well when followed for up to two years. And this was with very good therapy, noted Dr. Andrew Nierenberg, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

“That means there’s a lot of room for improvement,” Nierenberg said. “That’s why we need new treatments.”

But there’s a basic problem. Just as heart attacks come from chronic heart disease, the manic and depressive episodes come from an underlying chronic brain disease. And “we just don’t really understand what’s behind the illness,” said Dr. Gary Sachs, who directs bipolar research at Harvard’s Massachusetts General Hospital.

That mystery and the complexity of the disorder have discouraged scientists from trying to develop drugs for bipolar, Manji said. Not since lithium, developed more than 50 years ago, have they developed a drug specifically for bipolar, Manji said.

Like lithium, some of the latest crop of early candidate drugs revealed their potential simply by chance.

Take the experience of NIMH researchers Maura Furey and Dr. Wayne Drevets with the drug scopolamine, which is normally used to keep people from getting seasick or carsick. Several years ago, they were studying whether scopolamine could improve memory and attention in depressed people. So they gave the drug intravenously to depressed patients, trying to find the right dose for a brain-imaging study.

But then they noticed an odd thing. These patients started feeling less depressed the night after the injections, a remarkable thing since most antidepressants take weeks to kick in.

“Some patients would say it was the best night of sleep they’d had in many years, and the next morning they woke up feeling a substantial lifting of their depression,” Drevets said. “In many cases that improvement persisted for weeks or even months.”

Drevets and Furey quickly changed their research focus to test the drug’s effect on depression itself. And in October 2006 they published an encouraging, though preliminary, result with a small group of depressed patients, some of whom had bipolar.

Now Furey is leading a study using scopolamine skin patches — like those travelers wear to prevent motion sickness — to treat depression in bipolar disorder as well as ordinary depression. For now, people shouldn’t try patch treatment for depression on their own, she said.

A similar bit of serendipity showed up at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., in 2001. Depressed bipolar patients who were getting their brains scanned for a study of brain chemistry suddenly felt a lot better. Alerted by a research assistant, scientists started taking a closer look. And in 2004, they published their conclusion that the electric fields produced by the brain scans might lift depression. It’s still not clear how.

Follow-up studies have had inconsistent results. But researchers have now built a device that resembles a hair-salon dryer to produce electric fields. They plan to start testing it this fall.

Apart from luck, researchers have taken advantage of the few insights they have into bipolar disease to develop potential treatments.

That’s the story with riluzole, now used to treat the paralyzing disorder Lou Gehrig’s disease, also known as ALS or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. Scientists found that a drug that’s effective against depression in bipolar disorder boosts the abundance of a certain protein in rat brain cells, and that riluzole does too. So the researchers tried riluzole in a small number of depressed bipolar patients, and in some patients the symptoms virtually disappeared, Manji said.

So riluzole, which is distributed by Sanofi-Aventis, might become a treatment for bipolar disorder, he said.

Similar research used an off-the-shelf drug to get a lead for developing a new medication. Studies in rats showed that lithium and another anti-mania drug hamper the effect of a particular enzyme in the brain. That suggested that other drugs that hamper that enzyme might work against mania too, Manji said.

The best available candidate: tamoxifen, used to fight breast cancer. And sure enough, Manji’s recent study in a small group of bipolar patients found that tamoxifen quickly quelled mania. Other studies have found similar results, he said.

That shows the value of blocking the enzyme, and now Manji is trying to develop other drugs that will do that, perhaps for use in emergency rooms. He wants to avoid tamoxifen itself because of concern about long-term side effects, since his work requires a higher dose than women use to stave off breast cancer for years.

Scientists say the real key to unlocking the mysteries of bipolar disorder — and thereby exposing targets for drugs — lies in a new generation of research into DNA.

In recent months, scientific journals have begun to publish the early results of a revolution in DNA analysis: the ability to scan entire genomes in detail to find genetic variants that predispose people to particular diseases. Some of the new work is implicating dozens of variants in bipolar disorder.

Such work can expose the hidden biological underpinnings of disease, and so tip off researchers to unsuspected targets for intervening.

“We’ve been stumbling in the dark for most of our history” of bipolar research, said gene expert Dr. Francis McMahon of NIMH. But “these kinds of studies … will really give us the chance to reason from biological insights back to the patient.”

Sachs, of Harvard, agreed: “I think these whole-genome scans will in fact be the important bridge to better treatments.”

And not just in some far-distant future. The new gene studies, Sachs said, help give “a great potential to advance the field in our lifetimes and treat people who are living now.”

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  • Oct, 08

Tips For Children With Bipolar Disorder

The Storm in my Brain
There is a terrific little booklet that was given to me by my granddaughter Katelun’s psychiatrist. The title is “The Storm in my Brain” and you can view and download it online. If you even think you have a child with this problem, it is well worth the read. The booklet gives great tips for the child, for the parent and also for the child’s teacher. We gave a copy of it to Katelun’s teacher and she was so eager to cooperate. The booklet is written for children to help them with their questions and concerns. It explains a lot of feelings to the child that they might not have understood before. It tells them what a mood disorder is and how it might possibly make them feel. It tells them how they will feel as they are getting better and plainly describes to the child in terms that they can understand, what depression is, what mania is, and how to ask for help when they feel the storm coming on.
The illustrations in this booklet are all done by children. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) and the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation (CABF) sponsored a contest for children who live with depression or Bipolar Disorder. There were over one hundred children who entered nationally and the artwork in the booklet were the ones selected. The pictures are truly amazing when you consider that they are the way a child suffering from this illness views their life and their surroundings. The sadness and the darkness are the hardest to realize. “The Storm in my Brain”, is a book that you shouldn’t miss. I have carted home many copies and handed out to friends and family so, hopefully, they can understand what our children are going through. Now, I have decided to take my story a little more public in order to reach a few more families.

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