• 04
  • Jul, 08

I feel an obsession coming on :) ( :( :) :( :) ) / Reaching out

I​‍‍t’s amazing ho​‍‍w quickly things c​‍‍an tur​‍‍n around. I’v​‍‍e bee​‍‍n feeling depressed f​‍‍or mos​‍‍t o​‍‍f toda​‍‍y, an​‍‍d rat​‍‍ty th​‍‍is morning, a​‍‍s I d​‍‍o intend t​‍‍o relate (I mi​‍‍ght ev​‍‍en ge​‍‍t around t​‍‍o i​‍‍t), b​‍‍ut m​‍‍y mo​‍‍od be​‍‍gan t​‍‍o li​‍‍ft a fe​‍‍w minutes b​‍‍ack. I​‍‍t ma​‍‍y ha​‍‍ve bee​‍‍n u​‍‍pon reading a completed e-m​‍‍ail I firs​‍‍t drafted o​‍‍n pap​‍‍er fo​‍‍r a student a yea​‍‍r an​‍‍d a h​‍‍alf a​‍‍go. (m​‍‍ore…)

2 Responses

  1. cupid   04 Jul, 2008 - 11:04 am

    Hi,

    My post was a typically garbled one but basically I was trying to explain how though I’m not usually judgemental, I tend to judge people the more when I’m feeling vulnerable or depressed, paranoid or lonely and emotional - all mood states I experience fairly regularly. Because this is the time I most need people, and am most in need of the communication I have such a problem with I tend to be most fearful of the rejection I have experienced so much in the past and preempt it with my own judgements and rejection. These judgements pass quickly through my mind and I have to consciously catch and discount them by seeing them for what they are.

    Whether or not the post makes much sense at all, it almost certainly makes no sense out of context. My blog is about my attempts to get my overactive imagination down on paper, but also about my struggles with a mood disorder, high functioning autism/asperger’s disorder and attention deficit disorder. It documents the extremes of these disorders and the lapses and mistakes they lead me to.

    I haven’t yet managed to write out what The Unforgiving Minutes, which this post was filed under is intended to mean. Basically it is a line from Kipling’s If which I have twisted a little to provide a by-line for a diary I began while I was in Prague, a diary which shows how my ADD gets in the way of my writing, leading me to constantly burn the candle at both ends but flit from one project to the next, accomplishing nothing, and so, time is my enemy. It is also intended to refer to the ‘minutes’, that is, by use of an ironical borrowing from the terminology of business, the notes of the reveries, the intrusive day dreams I constantly have.

    The post, then, which I haven’t since read, was about a low I was experiencing last week when I was desperate to reach out to somebody. Having retreated more and more over the last couple of years into myself, I could not reach out to friends around where I live, so I determined to find somebody, at last, who could respond to my blog which seems to be taking so much of my time for so little reward and which makes me feel little more than a freak when once more, I try to express myself and get it all wrong, just as I do so often face to face. I clicked on your link and, because I needed so much in the way of reassurance, and knew from experience that such desperate reachings out are so often gauche and rebarbative, only leading to responses so ambivalent or dismissive that they only propel me further downwards, I preempted this and clicked back before I had read anything much at all. It was a response provoked by ADD and depression rather than by the material on your blog, which was something I tried to express, and indeed, I then wrote how your personal blog completely demolishes any such prejudice, whether triggered by these defence reactions or otherwise.

    Oh, and as for the content of the stereotype, I don’t know, since it’s not one which has any stability. Trendy specs? Sensible hair cut? Don’t know. And “super-snarky” is a great phrase but I don’t know what it means:) I’m conscious of a stereotype concerning blokes who are into computers. All bad goatees and ill-fitting clothes. The hero of the novel I’ve been planning most recently begins as such a one, and is awkward around people and girls in particular to boot. But he is shown to be the most honourable and even strong of all the men in the book. But that’s another story.

    Anyway, sorry, long-winded and probably overly defensive reply. I do like the idea about hamsters though, so I’ll try and find that. I would quite like it if they were hamster powered, though, lover as little fluffy animals as I am, I would probably let them out all the while for a run and have to put up with the processing power of an ’80s digital watch.

    Yes, Master Kidderminster. That’s something else I have to write an explanation for at some time. It’s a character from Hard Times by Dickens. I don’t come from Kiddi, though I have lived for most of my life in the Black Country, but I did go to college there.

    Anyway, cheers for providing my second-ever comment.

  2. Kate   04 Jul, 2008 - 2:17 pm

    Hi, thanks for the shout out!

    “to some uncharacteristically prejudiced ideas about women like her who, judging by one of her posts, know far more than me about computers”

    I’d love to know which of the stereotypes you thought I fitted into - I have been labelled a few times. Anyhow, in case you were wondering, I’m not at all geeky, I don’t wear trendy specs, not do I sport a sensible hair style. Oh, I’m not super-snarky either.

    Oddly, I know very little about computers, they mystify me. If you search back on my personal blog, you should come across the post in which I joke about them being powered by hamsters. That could easily be true for all I know. I do seem to have figured the internet out though.

    BTW Do you come from Kidderminster? I ask because I’m originally from Warwickshire.

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