I’ve been thinking lately about time and its relationship to bipolar disorder and more specifically on how time, consistency and expectation impact our relationship to ourselves and the perspectives of people who view us from the outside. In our daily lives consistency seems to be something that is sought after as the foundation that everything else relies upon. In jobs, relationships, self-identification and in social identification, consistency appears to be a key expectation in all facets of life. It seems that the ability to predict the future is almost as important as the ability to anticipate it. Knowing who we are and why we do the things we do, and finding ways to continue this process of carrying our past into the future, is an essential role of a perceived healthy human being. However for us bipolars, consistency is one of our most difficult challenges and the world reminds us of this every day.
It sometimes seems like the world isn’t made for us. Like we don’t fit the mold of what a human being should be. Employers don’t want workers who will suffer uncontrollable bouts of depression or mania and exhibit associated behaviors. Friends don’t want the unpredictability of friends who one moment are filled with energy and excitement and the next moment won’t leave their house or talk to anyone because they are so depressed. They want consistency. They want reliability. They want to know that who you are now is who you will be tomorrow and 6 months from now.
The fact is, we would love to have this consistency as much as everyone else wants it from us, but evolution and chance have given us a set of cards that are a little more difficult to play. Like any minority that doesn’t fit the bill of the majority we face our challenges, but for us these challenges are more than just fitting into a social/cultural structure. For us it means dealing with our social/cultural structure as well as dealing with our internal struggles for self-survival. Our simple existence is a challenge for us at times and especially during an episode of mania or depression. We feel the normal struggles of daily life along with you, but we also feel the struggles of convincing ourselves that this life is actually worth living, or losing so much control of our ability to properly judge and reason that we end up risking it all, both outcomes unfortunately having a bad conclusion. In our extremes things can seem to be unbearable for all involved, but much of our time is spent in milder forms of the disorder’s expressions and at other times we appear to be like everyone else. We live, play and work amongst you and although you may not easily see us, we are there.
There have been many advances in medication and treatments that help us stabilize and manage our shifts in mood to help us better fit the consistent model that everyone wants, but these treatments are still not 100% or what we would call a cure, and until the day of a cure has come, patience, understanding, education and awareness will have to do. We are huge contributors to the world and although socially we can be a little off at times, our creative abilities are sometimes unmatched. You don’t have to look too hard to discover how many great artists, philosophers, scientists, entrepreneurs and politicians have been touched by bipolar disorder or other forms of mental illness. The future stems collectively from our present minds and the more we can help, embrace and accept each other’s mental health, the better the future will be for all of us.
“I completely agree with you about bipolar disorder giving you perspective, perception and understanding that is ‘unlike’ the norm.”
With over ten years having transpired since I was diagnosed with bipolar, I’ve increasingly wondered if the condition can predispose one to walking a path that is conducive to a form of ‘enlightenment’.
1. There can be an uncommon detachment from others/society, and a retreat into self, with bipolar - as well as an acceptance that one is ‘different’. Detachment is, of course, an essential part of much of religious experience, whether a monk who seeks to live a contemplative life in seclusion, or the Buddha sitting under a tree trying to find the ‘right path’, or an individual who walks into the desert alone, into himself, to find his ‘true self’. Because one can also experience the self through uncommon cyclic/fluctuating/sometimes dangerous: ideas, moods, physical activity, and perspectives, there is also a distance between one’s: moods, thoughts, body, and perspectives, that can result. The bipolar attempts to be objective about these things, to see through them, and to control them, to control dis-ease. We say to ourselves, “We are not our moods, and ideas, etc.” Whereas others are busy living who they are, the bipolar is busy trying to understand who they are, manage it, and take on different views about what is really going on as they sometimes cope with doubt. Ultimately we ask, what is virtue, and how do I know, and get there - we do this under the threat of the pain of an attack of dis-ease. The nature of the condition, and risks of an “inner hell of anxiety and mood” forces us into a much deeper relationship with what it means to be human in a distance from self, and other…
2. In the “abyss of self”, where emotions, and the mind, can turn either way, for good, or evil, a monk prays lines from scripture, and is under the training of a spiritual master, to “see the light”. Many with the condition of bipolar find religion, and thereby a ‘master’, to cope with the inner emotional, and intellectual turmoil; some just search, and search, accepted religion on their own. For those with bipolar where accepted religion isn’t an accepted path, they may be without any guidance - just the dosing of a pill that attempts to stabilize life as it is. I find the ideas of: joy, love, truth, and beauty, are available. Hold joy in your heart, as the cloistered nun! Train the mind to beauty, as a poet! A disproportionate number of poets have a mood disorder, some researchers say. Use the obsessive, and creative mind to create a bridge over the abyss by reaching for those ideas that are beautiful and true. I’ve created this voice, with a sense of beauty, and poetry in it, that I often find comfort and escape in. I believe I see it in your writings too.
3. Hypo-mania can provide the drive, and flashes of insight to see through all of the above experience, organize, and make connections between things. It can be very tiring in its compulsiveness. There can be a beautiful emotion to it, at times - or a rush; or addiction to the birthing of ideas(”the light”). Some writers make use of hypo-mania, I believe, to bringing it all together. At its extremes mania can also result in visions; which I do not experience.
Hi Al,
I think you’ve given me a new topic to right about over the next couple of weeks.
I completely agree with you about bipolar disorder giving you perspective, perception and understanding that is unlike the ‘norm’. I too see this as a benefit a lot of the time, but it can also have its draw backs.
You should join the forum at http://www.iambipolar.ca/forum and start a thread on this topic.
I just send a really long message and your program lost it in cyberspace because I mistyped the security code.
The gist of what I said is that through the ups and downs of being bipolar many of use have learned coping and lifeskills that can be very valuable in becoming better persons, with more perception, perspective and understanding than not so polar people.
I would be really interested in hearing about some of the positive things others have noticed about being bipolar, and what can be done to share these positive aspects with others.
For example, since all the social ups and downs have led me to being alone a great deal of time, but on the positive side I have filled this time with lots of reading. This has resulted in my being a more educated person, and in turn my communication with peple has been more meaningful and intense, and maybe even more instructive.
I hope other people have shared this perspective and can relate some of the positive outcomes also.
Let’s here from you.
Thanks for the comment! You’ve left many items to think about.
I agree with you about the long term side effects of medication as being unknown and I’m currently managing myself in a number of non-medicated ways. I’m currently taking a natural supplement called Empowerplus, 8000mg of omega-3 oils a day, seeing a therapist on a regular basis, eating healthy, trying to exercise as much as I can and trying to be as aware as possible of my thought patterns so as to not perpetually feed negative or irrational thoughts.
I would definitely be interested in talking more with you. If you come back, please send me a message through the form on the page found here: http://iambipolar.ca/index.php?page=64
I think it might be an interesting thing for you to consider that perhaps the social-cultural system in which you live is inhumane, insane and inconsistent, with the superficial appearance of being reliable and consistent; nay, it is consistent in it’s confusing signals, contradictions and its lies. Humanity as a whole is essentially “bipolar”, if you wish to believe in those modern psychological theories of various states of mind, existence in itself is a surreal, psychedelic, colourful, incredible, spastic, overwhelming universe of dynamical worlds beside worlds beside worlds. Look around you, and you will see madness, you will see a species breeding at too rapid a rate for it’s habitat planet to sustain, and you will see this species struggling to understand and manage itself in all sorts of forms such as politics, science, art, law, religion etc. It has been doing so as long as it has existed, and there exists many different states of it’s existence in many different cultures and tribes. Here, you may be labelled “bipolar” by some pyschiatrist who went to university and studied a bunch of books about how to stereotype the human mind and classify it’s extreme states of awareness and sensitivity/sensibility as “illnesses” or “disorders”, because being aware and sensitive is not profitable in a greedy, self-inflating, economy and society such as ours, that drains all the worlds resources to live a privliged and gluttonous life, while the societies of the countries whose resources it steals starve to death amid the ruins of their cultural traditions. Empires rising and falling, people barely living a life in the rat race…living on land stolen from millions of massacred aboriginals….etc, etc, etc.
The madness always was.
You can live within, be sensitive, be aware, be strong, and educatue yourself, continue searching for truth, and see that if you are feeling “bipolar”, well, that is pretty normal. It is normal to react to your environment, and if your environment is insane, well, you should be concerned if you are not depressed about it often. You are right in the thick of it, along with everyone else. There is no such thing as bipolar disorder. And that medication you are taking for your imaginary “illness” is what you should be worried about. There is hard evidence that it gives permanent brain damage.
Strength is what is required to survive in a mad world. Strength of spirit, of mind, of body. Don’t swallow the lies like everyone else. Not some chemical drugs whipped up in a lab somewhere for profit with no long-term health effect studies. Do some research and you’ll soon uncover the truth. Or simply open your eyes, and stop escaping the truth by believing the lies. That is the easy way out, and that is the way most people choose, and that is why they can go on living that “consistent” way you envy so. They are consistently living a lie.
I was “diagnosed” with bipolar disorder 2 years ago when at a weak point. My regualr excercise, intelligence, healthy eating, creativity and lots of love are all I need, with alot of strength and a supreme appreciation for life. Who i am wakes people up, because I am awake.
You can be an inspiration, or you can be another victim.
So interesting. So much to read. I will be back to learn more.
Thanks to you and to GLCZone for helping me to find you.
Brooklyn
I absolutely love your blog! I think it is extremely brave of you to tell your story to the world the way you are!
Would you please visit http://www.GLCzone.com and add your blog there (for free). I think you could help a lot of people going through what you are. It’s all about sharing and knowing you’re not alone!
Thanks for your time!
Doc KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
Hi Venice,
Yeah, it’s a rough cycle that can be extremely confusing for all that are involved. It’s good to hear that you at least have some good friends that have stuck with you.
Thanks for sharing your comments!
wow, exactly how i feel about my relationships.
as much as i want to be a good and reliable friend, more often i just couldn’t be and its frustrating really. sometimes you wish you don’t have it because you know very well that things will be better but it isn’t. trust also is key, i don’t trust myself sometimes… i know that having/being bipolar i have poor impulse control, i say things i don’t mean to say or i make up stories or whatever. there are instances when i tell my friends i don’t trust myself anymore, that I’m scared… scared they wont understand my predicament. it happened so many times and I’ve lost some friends because they tell me, I’m unbelievably moody and unpredictable but then again my good friends told me, they are not true friends because if they were, even if I was unbelievably and ridiculously moody they will stick with me no matter what.
Wonderful post!